she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
