bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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