Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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