I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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