Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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