I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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