My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
