He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
