everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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