It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
