I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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