Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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