I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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