i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
