i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
