My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
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