mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
