Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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