people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
