You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
