remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
