God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
