Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
we have pet lesbian snakes
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
