So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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