Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
