just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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