I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
you never un-have a 4some
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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