Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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