yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
