Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
