Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
