There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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