it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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