New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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