i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
