Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
