...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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