Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
