Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
