I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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