Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Randomize
