You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
