im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
