We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
