Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
