i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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