dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
there was a trapeze. enough said
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
