im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
