I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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