In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
