I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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