I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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