it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
