No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
