I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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