I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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