Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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