He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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