mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
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