I will die if light touches me.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
