This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
