You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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